B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A This goes out to all my Baby Mama’s!

Hey y'all!!!

Let me start off by saying baby Mama/Daddy is a term that me and my kids dad do NOT use. It feels like a derogatory term and we just choose not to say it. The title is from a song Fantasia sang many years ago as homage to Single Moms.

Today I really want to talk to my fellow single moms. If you read my previous blog about setting standards and trusting God for your mate, this is some what a continuation of that blog.

baby daddyMany of us are trusting God to send our one day spouse but not only must we have a Godly standard but we should be asking ourselves are we emotionally ready to receive him? How can we expect God to bring someone new in our lives when our heart, mind, and emotions are all wrapped up with someone else? The passenger seat is full. There's no room for anyone else. Can I be the first to say, It's time to cut those emotional ties with your kids dad.  Don't believe the lies when people say, fathers can always come back to the mother of their kids. NOPE! It doesn't have to be that way if you don't allow it. Sometimes you have to just break the ties and move on. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT! You guys created the most important person in your lives, together. And in many ways you will be connected to your kids dad forever but you don't have to stay emotionally and physically connected.

 

There was a time when me and my kids dad did everything together. I was the one saying I wanted a commitment from him and he didn't feel the same. When I started on my healing journey I knew I was having a hard time getting over him. He was ALWAYS around. He would come over and help with the kids and give them baths and we would have dinner together. We would have family outings together, we would be lovey dovey. He would even refer to us as a "we" in terms of just about everything, even things not concerning the children. After while I realized it was to much! How can you get over someone when you're always around them?? You can't.

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I dealt with it for about 10 years; that emotional back and forth. I thought I had to. I thought thats just the way it is. And when someone questioned it I would alway say, we have kids together of course we will be around each other. But I got to a point where I was so sad and hurt over our situation and I started asking God to heal my heart and truly help me get over him. I had asked God to do it before but this particular time I truly meant it. I believe God truly heard my prayers.

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God started showing me things. God showed me how my kids dad was saying and doing certain things to keep me emotionally connected to him. Like how if he felt me pulling away, he would do and say things to emotionally reel me back in. God showed me how their dad was at my house to much, He showed me I needed to distance myself from their dad and their other side of the family. God just started opening my eye to things and slowly I started making changes as God led me to. I remember one of the first things, I had a conversation with my kids dad about him being at my house so much, I asked him to scale it back. At first he was ok with it and he honored my wishes. but after a few weeks it got old and he started with his old habits again. Popping up wanting to see the kids, asking what I cooked for dinner so he could have dinner with us, etc… Thats where things got hard. I had to remind him of our convo. It became hard because I wanted him to be there. I wanted him to come over and for us to be a family. But I realized it wasn't  healthy for us to keep going in the same cycle. Listen, just because you have kids with someone doesn't mean you have to allow them total access into your life. ITS OK TO SET BOUNDARIES. It's ok to set certain days for him to see the kids or come and pick up the kids. Its not about being mean to dad or preventing him from seeing the kids, it's about setting some boundaries to guard your heart.

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During these times I really had to pray and ask God to help me. I cried a lot during those times because everything  I was familiar with was being pulled from under me. I felt lonely. Im not super close with my family so I felt very alone. Plus the physical help he was giving me with our kids on a daily basis was gone so I was feeling stressed and tired a lot of days. But as I kept praying and asking God to heal me, I kept hearing in my spirit, "trust me through the process."

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Even though we weren't seeing each other as much we were still talking all the time. the Lord told me to cut it off. Of course it was hard, but I really wanted to be healed. There were days I questioned God, like why did it take all of this??? His response to me was, How bad do you want it? How bad do you really want to be healed from a broken heart. When the Lord started putting that in my spirit I made up in my mind I would walk by faith and not by sight. This was a very difficult season. Many of you all know my mom died many years ago, I had ended relationships with close friends and I wasn't close with family. I have never felt so alone in my life. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and dealing with. After all, their dad wasn't a bad guy. He treated me well, he was a good dad and he really had a genuine love for us. But he wanted to emotionally use me. He wanted to spend time with me, tell me he loved me, kiss, cuddle, and have sex without committing to any type of relationship. Please don't think Im placing the blame totally on him because I allowed this for many years. In the back of my mind I always thought one day He would choose me. Crazy, right???!!!

 

There came a time where we had to stop talking altogether. If it wasnt about the kids  I stopped conversing with him. If the conversation drifted another way I would just stop talking until it got awkward and we both would just get off the phone. Again, another hard thing for me because he would be mad and upset with me and constantly asking whats wrong. but there was nothing wrong. We just needed boundaries and the emotional ties we had to each other needed to be cut. The Lord just kept pressing, how bad do you want it? How bad do you want to be healed?

Listen, once a relationship is over. It needs to really be over. And that includes the kids other family. Yes, I said it! Cut ties with the other family. You personally staying connected to them is not helping you get over him. I used to spend all my holidays, bdays, and any other celebration with their dads family. Along my process the Lord started telling me, don't go over there. Another thing that was extremely hard for me. His family was my family. They were there for me all those years ago when my mom died and I loved them and enjoyed being with them. But again, that voice. How bad do you want to be healed? So I listened. I spent years going to his families house even though he would bring other women at times. I would be so hurt and so sad, but I toughed  it out thinking this is how it had to be because we weren't in a relationship. All the while, many times after we would leave we would end up with each other. And because of my own insecurities and thinking I was in love, I allowed it.

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I remember when the Lord told me to delete their their dad and his family from social media. I was like why Jesus?? lol I was scared of what they would say. After all, we all had a good relationship. But God told me you don't need to be on social media seeing everytime he's hanging out, and pics of him and his girlfriend, or angry when you see he's hanging out but you had a rough time with the kids, or he told you he had something to do but it was hanging with his friends. You need to heal. You need to guard your heart. So I listened. I just kept hearing in my spirit, how bad do you want it?

I am here to tell you, you DO NOT have to allow a coparent to pull you in emotional and you CAN have a successful coparenting relationship. Where we are now took years to develop. I wasn't super strong everyday during that process. There were days I was chasing him and days he was chasing me. But I knew it wasn't healthy for me and I knew I wanted God to heal my broken heart. So I kept praying, kept listening to God and kept asking him for the strength to follow His instructions.

Although their dad and I are in a really good place as coparents, let me let you in on a secret. sssshhhhh… There are still moments we struggle at times setting certain boundaries and not being to close. But God always reels me back in and reminds me how far Ive come and how FREE I feel now! I don't want to go backwards.

When I started this blog I wanted to talk about coparenting because you don't see much about it. There's not a lot of info out there on how to navigate a coparenting relationship and what its supposed to look like.  Those years I spent in emotional turmoil with my kid dad turned out to be such a blessing. I heard a minister once say "Out of our greatest struggles, come out biggest testimony."

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I am here to tell the next single mom God can heal your broken heart. You can be healed from that relationship even though you still have to see and be around him. God can and will lead and guide you and you can have a successful coparenting relationship. He did it for me, He will do it for you!

be free

Love y'all! Always praying your ya!

Andrea F.

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Do The Work! 

Hey Yall!!!! I’m back! Whew! Its been a long, long time since I blogged. But the Lord has really been putting on my spirit to start the blogging again. So, I’m going to be like Nike and JUST DO IT!

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Lately the Lord has placed several women in my life who I have inadvertently ended up ministering to. I don’t really seek out people to tell my story to but somehow the Lord always has me sharing with someone the spiritual nuggets he has given me over years. As I listen to these women my hearts breaks because most of their stories are very familiar to me. Our situations may not be the same but the emotions and feelings are very similar and I can feel and relive that pain through our conversations.

Of course I will not get into anyones personal stories, but I will share with you that many of them are going over the same mountain over and over and over again. We talk, I share what the Lord has me to share and then…. many times, nothing happens or changes. Why? Because they didn’t do their work!

I remember being in this cycle for many, many years. I wanted to be free from the hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, and frustration I was feeling but I kept doing the very thing that brought me all the frustration and pain.

What are you struggling with? What do you need God to heal you from?

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I like to watch Iyanla Vanzant, Fix My Life. Its a show about emotional healing. During the credits she talks about how she made it big, but lost everything and went through a lot of emotional turmoil. But shes ends credits by saying  “but I did my work”! In other words, she did the hard stuff to help herself reach a higher level of emotional healing. I JUST LOVE THAT!!! It’s such a simple concept but its something many of us don’t do. We do not do our work! The work we need to do on ourselves to get us to that level of emotional healing.

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What mountains are you climbing over and over again? What is the Lord telling you to do? Have you prayed about it? If so, did you listen and ACT on what God has told you to do?

Whatever God is telling you to do I encourage you to DO IT!!! No questions asked. Walk by faith and trust God knows what He is doing and He’s telling you for a purpose. You may not see it or understand it now. But God knows.

I recently started going to a new church and I came at just the right time. The pastor is preaching a series on Spiritual Maturity is a choice. Wow!

When I heard that it was eye-opening for me. You always hear trials and hardship come to make you stronger. I’ve always thought that was where spiritual maturity come from. But no, spiritual maturity is ultimately a conscious choice we have to make. It’s just one of those things where we have to DO THE WORK!

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I’ll give you a couple examples, one of the things I struggle with is discipline and self-control. Specifically in the areas of food, working out, and time management. Like, for real y’all, the struggle is REAL! lol I’ve been on a weight loss journey for a few years now, I started off great the first year or so. Lost 50 lbs, got off diabetes meds, and was looking and feeling great. Somewhere along the way, I got way to comfortable and slipped back into my old eating habits. Before I knew it I was up 20 lbs!!!! Yikes! I had bought all new smaller clothes, but those smaller clothes no longer fit me. I was soooooo sad y’all.  😦  I was sitting there thinking, what is going to help me stop and get myself back on track? I started praying about it. Lord, help me to get myself in control of my eating habits. And guess what? He started helping me. He started putting that tug in my spirit, “don’t eat that, put that down, that serving was enough.” But guess what else?  I DIDNT LISTEN! I kept on eating all the wrong stuff and ignored His leading. AAAANNNDDDDDD, guess what else y’all.. I kept praying! (Crazy, right?, hey don’t judge me lol) I kept praying about it asking the Lord to keep helping me. Finally one day the Holy Spirit told me, “look, you’re asking for help, I’m giving you help, but you aren’t listening. This isn’t some magic formula, the Lord isn’t just going to crack the sky and smack the donuts, pizza, chips, from your mouth. All He can do is lead you but you MUST listen!” Dang Jesus, did you really have to check me so hard, like I felt totally convicted. 😦  But that’s when I realized. I had to DO THE WORK! No one could do this for me. I simply had to put the donuts down, not order the pizza, and make the tough choices even when all my feelings and emotions were screaming otherwise. And let’s be clear, those feelings and emotions are so hard to ignore sometimes.

Galations 5: 13 says: “For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh…”  

1 Corinthians 10:23  “All things are legitimate [permissible–and we are free to do anything we please], but not all things are helpful (expedient, profitable, and wholesome). All things are legitimate, but not all things are constructive [to character] andedifying [to spiritual life].”

In other words we are free to make any choices we want to make in this life but it doesn’t mean those choices are good for us. We must choose wisely. We have to make those hard decisions and listen to the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit above our flesh. In other words we must DO THE WORK! It’s a choice. Sometimes its a hard choice. But nevertheless its a choice we must make daily to listen to God. Trust God. Have faith In God. God doesn’t make us bow down and worship Him. He wants us to CHOOSE Him. Deuternomony 30:30 “I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore CHOOSE life, that you and your descendants may live.” (My emphasis on choose)

We must DO THE WORK! I’ve realized that this whole concept actually boils down to one attribute, and that’s SELF CONTROL. Good ol’ fashion self-control. #Sigh You mean to tell me Jesus just won’t sprinkle a little self control on me?! haha! Nope, it doesn’t work like that. Self control is one of the fruits of the spirit listed in Galations 5. I started asking God, how do I develop in self control? He gave me this. Galations 5:16 “But I say, walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit [responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit]; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh (of human nature without God).” So, from there, I’m like ok Jesus, I have to seek the Holy Spirit and be led and guided by Him. But most of all, I have to listen. 

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Y’all, know this blog is for everyone but as a woman, my heart is for women to be whole, complete, and content in Gods loves. So let me give you a different type of example on practicing self control.

Like when that complicated relationship/ex creeps back up calling and telling you they miss you. Do you respond?  OR do you block the number and trust God obviously protected you from that relationship. Remember, Gods “no” is for our protection. If that guy/girl was the one for you. Yall would still be together. Lets be real, most of us are still entertaining that ex. They keep calling and texting because they are getting a response. This minister I follow says, what you feed will grow and what you cut off will die! That’s where some self control has to come in y’all! God is not going to smack that phone out your hand for you. But he will tell you, this isn’t good for you. Lets be honest, getting those messages might feel good, it might make you feel loved, or  wanted, or fill a void you might have. But in the end, ask yourself is it good for me to get wrapped back up into something that God has already freed me from????? Remember, you have a choice, you have freedom, but will you DO THE WORK? Will you allow that situation to die? Stop feeding your situation! Let me repeat that, Stop feeding your situation. Whatever “It” is. Many of us are carrying around a lot of emotional baggage. We are praying to God asking him to heal our hearts and help us but we keep entertaining the very thing we need healing from!

I have no idea what some of you guys are facing, but I can tell you that whatever it is, it’s real. Its big and It’s personal to YOU. You may be facing sexual temptation, food, an ex, time management, etc… whatever it is, if you are asking the Lord to help you, know that he is there. He is helping you. That quiet still voice, that feeling you have to go right when all your emotions are telling you to go left, That’s God. It’s the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit. Listen to Him. DO THE WORK!

I want to leave you with a scripture I have been saying a lot lately. “Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people),” Ephesians 5:15

You can do this! You’ve got this! DO THE WORK!   do-workI’m praying for you guys.

Love y’all,

Andrea F.