B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A This goes out to all my Baby Mama’s!

Hey y'all!!!

Let me start off by saying baby Mama/Daddy is a term that me and my kids dad do NOT use. It feels like a derogatory term and we just choose not to say it. The title is from a song Fantasia sang many years ago as homage to Single Moms.

Today I really want to talk to my fellow single moms. If you read my previous blog about setting standards and trusting God for your mate, this is some what a continuation of that blog.

Many of us are trusting God to send our one day spouse but not only must we have a Godly standard but we should be asking ourselves are we emotionally ready to receive him? How can we expect God to bring someone new in our lives when our heart, mind, and emotions are all wrapped up with someone else? The passenger seat is full. There's no room for anyone else. Can I be the first to say, It's time to cut those emotional ties with your kids dad.  Don't believe the lies when people say, fathers can always come back to the mother of their kids. NOPE! It doesn't have to be that way if you don't allow it. Sometimes you have to just break the ties and move on. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT! You guys created the most important person in your lives, together. And in many ways you will be connected to your kids dad forever but you don't have to stay emotionally and physically connected.

 

There was a time when me and my kids dad did everything together. I was the one saying I wanted a commitment from him and he didn't feel the same. When I started on my healing journey I knew I was having a hard time getting over him. He was ALWAYS around. He would come over and help with the kids and give them baths and we would have dinner together. We would have family outings together, we would be lovey dovey. He would even refer to us as a "we" in terms of just about everything, even things not concerning the children. After while I realized it was to much! How can you get over someone when you're always around them?? You can't.

I dealt with it for about 10 years; that emotional back and forth. I thought I had to. I thought thats just the way it is. And when someone questioned it I would alway say, we have kids together of course we will be around each other. But I got to a point where I was so sad and hurt over our situation and I started asking God to heal my heart and truly help me get over him. I had asked God to do it before but this particular time I truly meant it. I believe God truly heard my prayers.

God started showing me things. God showed me how my kids dad was saying and doing certain things to keep me emotionally connected to him. Like how if he felt me pulling away, he would do and say things to emotionally reel me back in. God showed me how their dad was at my house to much, He showed me I needed to distance myself from their dad and their other side of the family. God just started opening my eye to things and slowly I started making changes as God led me to. I remember one of the first things, I had a conversation with my kids dad about him being at my house so much, I asked him to scale it back. At first he was ok with it and he honored my wishes. but after a few weeks it got old and he started with his old habits again. Popping up wanting to see the kids, asking what I cooked for dinner so he could have dinner with us, etc… Thats where things got hard. I had to remind him of our convo. It became hard because I wanted him to be there. I wanted him to come over and for us to be a family. But I realized it wasn't  healthy for us to keep going in the same cycle. Listen, just because you have kids with someone doesn't mean you have to allow them total access into your life. ITS OK TO SET BOUNDARIES. It's ok to set certain days for him to see the kids or come and pick up the kids. Its not about being mean to dad or preventing him from seeing the kids, it's about setting some boundaries to guard your heart.

During these times I really had to pray and ask God to help me. I cried a lot during those times because everything  I was familiar with was being pulled from under me. I felt lonely. Im not super close with my family so I felt very alone. Plus the physical help he was giving me with our kids on a daily basis was gone so I was feeling stressed and tired a lot of days. But as I kept praying and asking God to heal me, I kept hearing in my spirit, "trust me through the process."

Even though we weren't seeing each other as much we were still talking all the time. the Lord told me to cut it off. Of course it was hard, but I really wanted to be healed. There were days I questioned God, like why did it take all of this??? His response to me was, How bad do you want it? How bad do you really want to be healed from a broken heart. When the Lord started putting that in my spirit I made up in my mind I would walk by faith and not by sight. This was a very difficult season. Many of you all know my mom died many years ago, I had ended relationships with close friends and I wasn't close with family. I have never felt so alone in my life. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and dealing with. After all, their dad wasn't a bad guy. He treated me well, he was a good dad and he really had a genuine love for us. But he wanted to emotionally use me. He wanted to spend time with me, tell me he loved me, kiss, cuddle, and have sex without committing to any type of relationship. Please don't think Im placing the blame totally on him because I allowed this for many years. In the back of my mind I always thought one day He would choose me. Crazy, right???!!!

 

There came a time where we had to stop talking altogether. If it wasnt about the kids  I stopped conversing with him. If the conversation drifted another way I would just stop talking until it got awkward and we both would just get off the phone. Again, another hard thing for me because he would be mad and upset with me and constantly asking whats wrong. but there was nothing wrong. We just needed boundaries and the emotional ties we had to each other needed to be cut. The Lord just kept pressing, how bad do you want it? How bad do you want to be healed?

Listen, once a relationship is over. It needs to really be over. And that includes the kids other family. Yes, I said it! Cut ties with the other family. You personally staying connected to them is not helping you get over him. I used to spend all my holidays, bdays, and any other celebration with their dads family. Along my process the Lord started telling me, don't go over there. Another thing that was extremely hard for me. His family was my family. They were there for me all those years ago when my mom died and I loved them and enjoyed being with them. But again, that voice. How bad do you want to be healed? So I listened. I spent years going to his families house even though he would bring other women at times. I would be so hurt and so sad, but I toughed  it out thinking this is how it had to be because we weren't in a relationship. All the while, many times after we would leave we would end up with each other. And because of my own insecurities and thinking I was in love, I allowed it.

I remember when the Lord told me to delete their their dad and his family from social media. I was like why Jesus?? lol I was scared of what they would say. After all, we all had a good relationship. But God told me you don't need to be on social media seeing everytime he's hanging out, and pics of him and his girlfriend, or angry when you see he's hanging out but you had a rough time with the kids, or he told you he had something to do but it was hanging with his friends. You need to heal. You need to guard your heart. So I listened. I just kept hearing in my spirit, how bad do you want it?

I am here to tell you, you DO NOT have to allow a coparent to pull you in emotional and you CAN have a successful coparenting relationship. Where we are now took years to develop. I wasn't super strong everyday during that process. There were days I was chasing him and days he was chasing me. But I knew it wasn't healthy for me and I knew I wanted God to heal my broken heart. So I kept praying, kept listening to God and kept asking him for the strength to follow His instructions.

Although their dad and I are in a really good place as coparents, let me let you in on a secret. sssshhhhh… There are still moments we struggle at times setting certain boundaries and not being to close. But God always reels me back in and reminds me how far Ive come and how FREE I feel now! I don't want to go backwards.

When I started this blog I wanted to talk about coparenting because you don't see much about it. There's not a lot of info out there on how to navigate a coparenting relationship and what its supposed to look like.  Those years I spent in emotional turmoil with my kid dad turned out to be such a blessing. I heard a minister once say "Out of our greatest struggles, come out biggest testimony."

I am here to tell the next single mom God can heal your broken heart. You can be healed from that relationship even though you still have to see and be around him. God can and will lead and guide you and you can have a successful coparenting relationship. He did it for me, He will do it for you!

Love y'all! Always praying your ya!

Andrea F.

DONT GIVE UP!

Hey y’all!!

When you read the above picture that should have made you shout for joy right there. If it didn’t, read it again, read it over and over again. Read it slowly and meditate on where the Lord has brought you from.

Did you read it again? Ok, you should at least be smiling from ear to ear now! God has brought you a long long way! He didn’t leave you. and the fact that you are still here, should be proof that God LOVES you!

When I read that post, it really started me thinking about my past. Not in a  bad way, but just remembering how the Lord kept me. When I think about it, I get happy and excited, and my heart is filled with gratefulness!

Some of us are battling some SERIOUS, SERIOUS stuff, illnesses, death of loved ones, depression, and so much more.

But I want to tell you. DONT GIVE UP ON GOD BECAUSE HE WONT GIVE UP ON YOU.

We sung that song at church on Sunday  (He’s Able, by Deitrick Haddon) and it really resonated with me. The song says “don’t give up on God cause he won’t give up on you, He’s Able”. We pray, we get excited, and we have hope, that God is going to do what we are believing in Him for, and then after a couple of months we don’t see it. So we get discouraged and give up. We stop praying, we stop studying our word. We start speaking defeat and start complaining. BUT, don’t give up on God! He didn’t give up on you!

How long did it take you to surrender your life to Him? How many times have you prayed and gave up? How many times have you went back to your old way of thinking and living? Several times right? ( I know  have) but He never gave up on you. Even though He didn’t SEE his plans unfolding for me due to my disobedience, He never gave up on me. He kept loving me, blessing me, and welcomed me with open arms when I truly gave my life to Him. So don’t give u on God!

You have to stay in faith that God is working your situation out. You have to see yourself the way God sees you. He sees you VICTORIOUS! You have to think it, believe it, and meditate on it. You have to take possession of a victorious lifestyle.

I don’t know what some of you are going through, but God is the answer to whatever you are facing. God can turn a situation around in the blink of any eye, If you just trust him.

Philippians 4:19 says And my God will liberally supply ([i]fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Psalms 91: 7-8 says A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.

St. John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the worldyou have tribulation and trials and distress andfrustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcomethe world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

Luke 12:32 says Do not be seized with alarm and struck with fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give youthe kingdom!

Don’t you see that God loves you?! You just have to stay in faith. BUT HOW?? I know, you are saying, “How do I stay in faith, How do I keep going? That’s a lot easier said than done, You just don’t know what I’m going through.”

You are right. I have now idea what some of you guys are facing BUT, I know I serve a God that is bigger and stronger than ANYTHING you are going through. You stay in faith by staying in the word of God. Every time that situation comes up, you speak the word of it. Don’t dwell on the problem, you dwell on the word of God.

I heard  a minister once say, this is not about  positive thinking. This is about WORD thinking. Its believing Gods word over your situation.  It’s about not complaining about it, but trusting in what God said. When you know a situation has been worked out, you don’t have a reason to complain because it’s over and done with. You KNOW it’s worked out. Well that’s the same with whatever you are facing. You know God is on you side.

I follow a minister, Heather Lindsey on Facebook and IG and she always says, whatever you give attention to will grow. So the more you plant seeds of complaining, the more that seed will grow. It will get bigger and bigger and you will tell more and more people. How do you feel when you are complaining? Not good! But what if you gave attention to the word of God? How much better do you think you would feel if you planted seeds of the word of God? Your faith would increase, your peace would increase, joy would increase. Give attention to the scriptures and let it grow in you.

I am a big complainer and I have to check myself on it often. I have to remind myself to focus on the word of God. I’m also grateful for friends that remind me too.

1 John 4:4 says Little children, you are of God [you belong to Him] and have [already] defeated and overcome them [the agents of the antichrist], because He Who lives in you is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world.

God is so great on the inside of you! YOU have no reason to fear. There is a gospel song that says, Don’t wait until the battle is over, you can shout now. You can be excited right now, because you know you are a winner with God on your side. You KNOW you are VICTORIOUS!

Most of you guys know, I’m on a weight loss journey. I recently started working with a personal trainer. She has me doing some exercises where I feel like my muscles are just about to give out! lol but when it gets really hard, and I feel like I can’t go anymore, she always reminds me “you’ve got this, you can do it.” It gives me that extra umph I  need to keep going. One day she told me, “tell your body to shut up, and keep going.”

That really resonated with me, because that’s the same thing we have to tell out emotions. We have to tell them SHUT UP!!! You will not control me! I KNOW, THAT I KNOW, THAT I KNOW, what the word of God says about my situation and I’m going to trust in that word and walk VICTORIOUSLY right now! I’m not going to wait until the battle is over, I’m going to be at peace and be happy, right now!

My own Pastor has been preaching a series “Its Time for Change” and I believe in my heart, Its time for us to stop giving up. I wrote a post like this before in the past, but sometimes, I need a reminder to just have faith in God. Its time to stop trying to do things the worlds way and do things Gods way. Its time for us to stop making excuses as to why we are always depressed, mad, or sad, and its time for us to start thinking about the above statement. Here it is again:

You have made it so far. You are still here to tell your story, to give a testimony. No, Life is not perfect, no, you might not have everything you want, but you are still ALIVE.

Don’t give up on God. He won’t give up on you. Believe Him, Trust His word. Some of us are so close to receiving our blessing but we quit just short of receiving.  You have survived. You are still here. You CAN make it!

I’m praying for you all!

Andrea F.

 

It Ain’t Over!

Hey guys!

So today I want to share my friends testimony with you. This has been a rough year for her. But what I love about her testimony is that she never gave up on God. Even in the rough times she held on. I loved her video giving praise to God for what He has done  for her this year. I don’t know about you, but I can FEEL her praise through this video. Please watch it and share it with someone.

What I hope you take away from it, is to sit back and think about what the Lord has brought you from. Understand there is purpose for everything that you went through. It was to develop you and make you stronger. Take a few minutes and think about some of the challenges you faced this year. But guess what, YOU MADE IT and you are still here!

Understand that what God does for others He can do the same for you. I  pray this video blesses you as much as it blessed me!

Be blessed. I’m always praying for you!

Andrea F.

Please view: Testimony

I’m a tranform ya, I’m a transform ya

“Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].” Romans 12:1

The Holy Spirit has put this scripture spirit a lot lately.

I’m going through this phase where, I kind of miss my old life. My life before Christ. I miss not having conviction, being ok with doing wrong.

“Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a newcreation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

When I first really gave my life to God, it was a process. It wasn’t something that happened over night. I didn’t wake up and decide I’m not going to do a bunch of stuff anymore. It was truly a process for me. Slowly, the Holy Spirit started giving me something called CONVICTION.

There are many definitions out there for biblical conviction. So, to sum it up, its that little voice/feeling inside you that tells you something you are saying or doing is not right or wrong for you. Often times we ignore conviction. It doesn’t feel good to be in that place. We make excuses for why we did what we did or said what we said. But if you listen to that feeling you will find PEACE and a closer relationship with God.

It’s not that I want to do anything that I shouldn’t be doing, but it’s really hard to be DIFFERENT! It can be hard trying to explain why you don’t do what everyone else does, go where everyone else goes, or say what everyone else says. I love God and I love living for Him. I would never go back to my old life, but sometimes, being honest, it gets hard!

Before I became new, I was a drinker. I enjoyed going to the bar or club and having adult drinks. Lots of drinks…….I am no longer a drinker. It is something the Lord told me not do. That meant my circle of people to hang out with really changed. You can’t hang out with the same people who still do what the Lord has told you NOT to do.

The bible says we should “…Hate what is evil [loathe all ungodliness, turn in horror from wickedness], but hold fast to that which is good.” Romans 12:9 In other words, going out and getting drunk and clubbing is a part of that ungodliness, so I had to change!

John 15:19 says “If you belonged to the world, the world would treat you with affection and would love you as its own. But because you are not of the world [no longer one with it], but I have chosen (selected) you out of the world, the world hates (detests) you.

This earth is not your home. In heaven, with God is your true home. And to put it bluntly, WE HAVE TO ACT LIKE IT! Just like your earthy parents have rules and morals they expect you to uphold, so does our Heavenly father. He created us and our time here on this earth is to represent and glorify Him!

This is not to say you have to be perfect. but what it means is you will exhibit self-control because of your love for God. “But I say, walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit [responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit]; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh (of human nature without God).” Galatians 5:6

This means be Holy Spirit led and not self led. Christianity is not about a bunch of stuff you can’t do. It’s about a bunch of stuff you CHOOSE to do because you love God.

Listen, I’m not bashing people who drink, I’m just using this as an example. I’ll use another example. I had a friend (married friend) invite me to a pole dancing class once. It was at reputable studio with licensed instructors. It was their birthday and that’s what they wanted to do. Pole dancing is seen as exercise by many people. You use a lot of muscles and burn a lot of calories doing it. For me, as a single woman, focused on remaining abstinent until God sends my mate, I did not think a pole dancing class was going to benefit me in my walk to remain abstinent. Lets be honest it’s definitely seen as sexy. I wasn’t comfortable going. I didn’t want to awake a bunch of thoughts and feelings that just didn’t need to awakened in this season of my life. It’s not that I looked at it as necessarily a bad thing but I didn’t think it was fitting for me to partake in that type of activity. Of course my friend was disappointed but she is also a christian and she understood my heart in my decision to not go.

Your life at times is the only bible that people see. Your actions, attitude and demeanor should be of one that glorifies God.

Here’s the thing, there are things this world deems as “acceptable” but that doesn’t mean its acceptable to God. It doesn’t mean that its profitable for your soul or your walk with the Lord. That is why the first scripture Romans 12:1 says, do not be conformed, fashioned after, or adapted to this worlds customs.

I’m not here to preach a bunch of do’s and dont’s to you. However, I’m encouraging you to seek God in all things and listen to the Holy Spirit. Listen to that feeling you have when you’ve done or said something but something doesn’t sit right in your spirit about it. Ask yourself is what I’m doing lining up with The Word of God. We can not look to the worlds’ standard.

I remember a season in my life where I was really alone. I didn’t have a lot of friends to hang out with because most of them did things that the Lord told me not to do. But as I listened to the Holy Spirit, The Lord started sending me more christian friends. People that understood my walk with the Lord. That doesn’t mean you guys will always see eye to eye, but what its means is they will always understand your love for God and your desire to be pleasing to him in all things.

This walk is not always easy. You may have to let some friends go that you have had for many years. Are you willing to compromise your salvation and your walk with the Lord for the approval of friends? NOT ME!!!!

There are days I feel so discouraged. This is also why having christian friends is vital! When I am down I know I have friends that are praying for me. Some days I feel like I’m always trying to explain myself to others and why I move the way I do, but when the Lord shows me His favor, His grace and mercy it reminds me WHY, I do it. It’s because I LOVE GOD! The Lord is showing me, I don’t HAVE to explain myself. My reward is not here on this earth, it is in Heaven.

I want to leave you with this scripture. In John 14:15  the Lord is saying “If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands.”

I hope you enjoyed this post! I’m always praying for you

Andrea F.