B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A This goes out to all my Baby Mama’s!

Hey y'all!!!

Let me start off by saying baby Mama/Daddy is a term that me and my kids dad do NOT use. It feels like a derogatory term and we just choose not to say it. The title is from a song Fantasia sang many years ago as homage to Single Moms.

Today I really want to talk to my fellow single moms. If you read my previous blog about setting standards and trusting God for your mate, this is some what a continuation of that blog.

baby daddyMany of us are trusting God to send our one day spouse but not only must we have a Godly standard but we should be asking ourselves are we emotionally ready to receive him? How can we expect God to bring someone new in our lives when our heart, mind, and emotions are all wrapped up with someone else? The passenger seat is full. There's no room for anyone else. Can I be the first to say, It's time to cut those emotional ties with your kids dad.  Don't believe the lies when people say, fathers can always come back to the mother of their kids. NOPE! It doesn't have to be that way if you don't allow it. Sometimes you have to just break the ties and move on. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT! You guys created the most important person in your lives, together. And in many ways you will be connected to your kids dad forever but you don't have to stay emotionally and physically connected.

 

There was a time when me and my kids dad did everything together. I was the one saying I wanted a commitment from him and he didn't feel the same. When I started on my healing journey I knew I was having a hard time getting over him. He was ALWAYS around. He would come over and help with the kids and give them baths and we would have dinner together. We would have family outings together, we would be lovey dovey. He would even refer to us as a "we" in terms of just about everything, even things not concerning the children. After while I realized it was to much! How can you get over someone when you're always around them?? You can't.

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tug of war

I dealt with it for about 10 years; that emotional back and forth. I thought I had to. I thought thats just the way it is. And when someone questioned it I would alway say, we have kids together of course we will be around each other. But I got to a point where I was so sad and hurt over our situation and I started asking God to heal my heart and truly help me get over him. I had asked God to do it before but this particular time I truly meant it. I believe God truly heard my prayers.

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God started showing me things. God showed me how my kids dad was saying and doing certain things to keep me emotionally connected to him. Like how if he felt me pulling away, he would do and say things to emotionally reel me back in. God showed me how their dad was at my house to much, He showed me I needed to distance myself from their dad and their other side of the family. God just started opening my eye to things and slowly I started making changes as God led me to. I remember one of the first things, I had a conversation with my kids dad about him being at my house so much, I asked him to scale it back. At first he was ok with it and he honored my wishes. but after a few weeks it got old and he started with his old habits again. Popping up wanting to see the kids, asking what I cooked for dinner so he could have dinner with us, etc… Thats where things got hard. I had to remind him of our convo. It became hard because I wanted him to be there. I wanted him to come over and for us to be a family. But I realized it wasn't  healthy for us to keep going in the same cycle. Listen, just because you have kids with someone doesn't mean you have to allow them total access into your life. ITS OK TO SET BOUNDARIES. It's ok to set certain days for him to see the kids or come and pick up the kids. Its not about being mean to dad or preventing him from seeing the kids, it's about setting some boundaries to guard your heart.

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lonely

During these times I really had to pray and ask God to help me. I cried a lot during those times because everything  I was familiar with was being pulled from under me. I felt lonely. Im not super close with my family so I felt very alone. Plus the physical help he was giving me with our kids on a daily basis was gone so I was feeling stressed and tired a lot of days. But as I kept praying and asking God to heal me, I kept hearing in my spirit, "trust me through the process."

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Even though we weren't seeing each other as much we were still talking all the time. the Lord told me to cut it off. Of course it was hard, but I really wanted to be healed. There were days I questioned God, like why did it take all of this??? His response to me was, How bad do you want it? How bad do you really want to be healed from a broken heart. When the Lord started putting that in my spirit I made up in my mind I would walk by faith and not by sight. This was a very difficult season. Many of you all know my mom died many years ago, I had ended relationships with close friends and I wasn't close with family. I have never felt so alone in my life. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and dealing with. After all, their dad wasn't a bad guy. He treated me well, he was a good dad and he really had a genuine love for us. But he wanted to emotionally use me. He wanted to spend time with me, tell me he loved me, kiss, cuddle, and have sex without committing to any type of relationship. Please don't think Im placing the blame totally on him because I allowed this for many years. In the back of my mind I always thought one day He would choose me. Crazy, right???!!!

 

There came a time where we had to stop talking altogether. If it wasnt about the kids  I stopped conversing with him. If the conversation drifted another way I would just stop talking until it got awkward and we both would just get off the phone. Again, another hard thing for me because he would be mad and upset with me and constantly asking whats wrong. but there was nothing wrong. We just needed boundaries and the emotional ties we had to each other needed to be cut. The Lord just kept pressing, how bad do you want it? How bad do you want to be healed?

Listen, once a relationship is over. It needs to really be over. And that includes the kids other family. Yes, I said it! Cut ties with the other family. You personally staying connected to them is not helping you get over him. I used to spend all my holidays, bdays, and any other celebration with their dads family. Along my process the Lord started telling me, don't go over there. Another thing that was extremely hard for me. His family was my family. They were there for me all those years ago when my mom died and I loved them and enjoyed being with them. But again, that voice. How bad do you want to be healed? So I listened. I spent years going to his families house even though he would bring other women at times. I would be so hurt and so sad, but I toughed  it out thinking this is how it had to be because we weren't in a relationship. All the while, many times after we would leave we would end up with each other. And because of my own insecurities and thinking I was in love, I allowed it.

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I remember when the Lord told me to delete their their dad and his family from social media. I was like why Jesus?? lol I was scared of what they would say. After all, we all had a good relationship. But God told me you don't need to be on social media seeing everytime he's hanging out, and pics of him and his girlfriend, or angry when you see he's hanging out but you had a rough time with the kids, or he told you he had something to do but it was hanging with his friends. You need to heal. You need to guard your heart. So I listened. I just kept hearing in my spirit, how bad do you want it?

I am here to tell you, you DO NOT have to allow a coparent to pull you in emotional and you CAN have a successful coparenting relationship. Where we are now took years to develop. I wasn't super strong everyday during that process. There were days I was chasing him and days he was chasing me. But I knew it wasn't healthy for me and I knew I wanted God to heal my broken heart. So I kept praying, kept listening to God and kept asking him for the strength to follow His instructions.

Although their dad and I are in a really good place as coparents, let me let you in on a secret. sssshhhhh… There are still moments we struggle at times setting certain boundaries and not being to close. But God always reels me back in and reminds me how far Ive come and how FREE I feel now! I don't want to go backwards.

When I started this blog I wanted to talk about coparenting because you don't see much about it. There's not a lot of info out there on how to navigate a coparenting relationship and what its supposed to look like.  Those years I spent in emotional turmoil with my kid dad turned out to be such a blessing. I heard a minister once say "Out of our greatest struggles, come out biggest testimony."

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I am here to tell the next single mom God can heal your broken heart. You can be healed from that relationship even though you still have to see and be around him. God can and will lead and guide you and you can have a successful coparenting relationship. He did it for me, He will do it for you!

be free

Love y'all! Always praying your ya!

Andrea F.

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Hope vs. Faith

 

Hey y’all!!!!!

Whats up??!!! Hows everything going? I missed y’all so much. I missed blogging. The Lord has really been pressing me to be consistent in blogging. Let me tell y’all, blogging is a bit scary. Why?? Because most of the time I went through some rough stuff and that’s what gave me the blog topics. I remember when the Lord first placed it on my heart to start blogging again, I was terrified. I kept telling God “Please just give the topics, but don’t take me through the trials.”  Haha! Well  lets just say that ones of those prayers from my flesh and not my heart!

HEART

I first needed to examine my heart and find out why I stopped blogging to begin with. I thing the biggest reason I stopped because I got comfortable. I got complacent. I got content in my situation and current circumstances.  Although there’s nothing wrong with being any of those in certain seasons of life, it can be detrimental to your spirit if not handled properly.

I was content with my life, my kids, my friends, my new church, my weight loss journey and what I started to find is I was so happy and content in those things, that I lost sight of God for a moment. See, its easy to cling to God when things are going wrong but how do you act when things are going right for you?

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I was so content in that season I looked up one day and realized somewhere along the way, I stopped dreaming. I stopped believing that God was working in MY life. Its like, I could see God moving in other people’s lives. I had faith that God was real and moving and blessing others. But I stopped dreaming for myself. I stopped hoping  He would fulfill my hearts desires and hoping He had greater for me.

Did you know that Faith and Hope is two different things?  (Yea, I had no idea until I experienced this.)

Faith in the biblical sense is described in Hebrew 11:1 (NIV) “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see”. The KJV bible says “Faith is the substance of thing hoped for and the evidence of things we do not see.” Amplified bible says (paraphrased) faith is the assurance, the title-deed.  In other words faith is believing and having confidence, being sure of things we can not see in the natural.

Now, I did some research on Hope and I couldn’t find it in a biblical definition. However the Merriam Webster dictionary defines hope as “To cherish or desire with anticipation, to expect with confidence, to desire with expectation of attainment.”

The difference between the two is Faith is believing in what you CAN NOT see, and Hope is a desire and expectancy of things you don’t see in your life yet. I believed God but I wasn’t desiring or expecting anything to happen in MY life. In a sense I was walking dead spiritually. I wasn’t sad or depressed or anything. I was just living life going through the motions. Getting up for work, taking the kids to school, cooking dinner, working out, sleeping, and then doing it all over again the next day. Weekends consisted of hanging out with my friends and church, and as the week started over I would repeat the pattern.

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The problem with complacency is it doesn’t allow us to dream. It doesn’t allow us to work towards something bigger and better. It places our focus on self and current circumstances and doesn’t allow us to look towards the future. It doesn’t allow for us to grow, develop, and renew our minds to the things of God, His way, and His plans for our lives.

WHAT ARE YOU BELIEVING GOD TO DO IN YOU LIFE? WHAT IS THE CALL OF GOD ON YOUR LIFE? and The real question is WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO DEVELOP IN PURSUING THAT CALLING?

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I don’t know about y’all, but Im believing God for some BIG things in my life, but I got to the point where I got discouraged because I wasn’t SEEING what I was BELIEVING God for so I stopped EXPECTING (lost HOPE) “it” would happen. Your “it” can be anything you are desiring.  I stopping hoping my teen son would start making better choices, I stopped hoping for my one day husband, I stopped hoping I would lose weight, I stopped hoping God would help me grow closer to the Holy Spirit, and the list goes on. See, the issues is I got frustrated on what I wasn’t seeing, I stopped hoping so I could stop the frustration I was feeling. CRAZY, right??? It wasn’t intentional, it was totally sub-conscience. See, the  bible tells us “ But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait eagerly for it with patience and composure.” We have to learn to WAIT on the Lord!

 

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Maybe your issue isn’t you lost hope. Maybe you have rushed ahead of God and are trying to make “it” happen for yourself.  STOP!!!!  Please just stop. The word of God says “And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing.” James 1: 4 In some versions of the bible the word endurance above is “patience”.

 

We have to allow God to do the work and we must be patient! “…but [with joy] let us exult in our sufferings and rejoice in our hardships, knowing that hardship (distress, pressure, trouble) produces patient endurance; and endurance, proven character (spiritual maturity); and proven character, hope and confident assurance [of eternal salvation]. Such hope [in God’s promises] never disappoints us…” Romans 5: 3-4.  So you mean to tell me Patience is what helps us develop the character and spiritual maturity to develop hope in the Lord??!!! Say what???? and then it even says HOPE in the Lord will NEVER disappoint us. If I have FAITH in Gods word then I’ve got to develop in PATIENCE, to develop HOPE in the Lord! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

loveOk, so now what? What am I supposed to do while I’m developing patience and waiting? Remember that calling I asked you about earlier?  We all have a calling on our lives. This is the time you learn how to develop in that calling. Love God, Trust God, Praise God, Renew your mind to the things of God, Delight yourself in the Lord. Get busy doing the Lords work! Enjoy your life, your friends, and family. The thing is, you will find yourself busy with reading His word, developing your prayer life, developing in your home life, and serving where He leads, you won’t have time to get frustrated! You won’t have time to focus on the have NOT. You will be so busy thanking Him and enjoying what you DO have!

 

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If you have ever been in a situation like me please, please, start dreaming again! Don’t walk around spiritually dead. DREAM AGAIN, HOPE AGAIN! If what you are believing is according to His will, HE WILL DO IT! HOPE again for that business venture to come to pass, that new job, restoration in your home, your marriage, your one day spouse. HOPE AGAIN! DONT GIVE UP!  You just have to be patient. It’s His timing and His season.

 

I hope y’all enjoyed this blog post! I love y’all and I’m always praying for you.

Andrea F.

andrea.fortson@yahoo.com